perubahan (english version)

Hidup itu pilihan, life is choices. For example, there is someone who wants to hike a mountain. At the beginning, he can choose whether he will hike or not, with all the risks and consequences of each choice. Even when he then decides to hike, he will be faced with many choices again. Suppose he then arrives at the middle of the mountain. There are some possibilities he will face and then disturb his mind, such as…

1. He can decide to continue hiking with all of his hopes. Maybe those are the hopes to see many more beautiful things up there that perhaps will be much more beautiful. But then he will be faced with some choices again, those are whether he still has the ability to continue or no.
2. He can decide to stop, stand still in the spot where he is. He maybe satisfies enough with his position, and don’t want to take any risks of continue hiking or start walking down. Ya, maybe ha can be called as the one who searches for the ‘safety’.
3. He also can decide to walk down. Maybe it is because he scares with the height where he is, he feels not ready with his place. Or maybe because he wants to ‘go back’ to his place down there that perhaps he thinks is safer.

Even when he successes to choose one of those choices, again, maybe he will meet many other choices…

1. Suppose he takes the first choice, when he arrives on the top he will have choices to stand still with every ways, or he also can go down slowly because he satisfies enough and feels that he can’t hold his position anymore.

2. Suppose he takes the second choice, during the time he stands there, he still will meet choices. Maybe then he feels curious -- he is attracted to continue hiking, he can stand still there with the same old reason, or even maybe he stop and decides to go back down.

3. For example he decides to go back with the third choice, it doesn’t mean that he won’t be faced with choices. It isn’t possible that when he arrives below, he then regrets and finally decides to try hike again. But maybe the last choice he takes is to go away from the mountain with many reasons, one of them maybe because he has no enough bravery to face ‘the mountain’.

The story has the same condition with this one. Hmm. Me. Some time ago, or maybe it is still until now, I was on the highest point of a place. For instance we can call the place as ‘sky’. Ya, I’ve been a long time on the place which called ‘sky’. Maybe I’ve been a long time enough there, but yet still I’m not sure what has made me there. I only remember that spirit and hardwork are some supports beside many others things that just seem like momentary ‘fantasy’. There are many good and gladdening things when I was there. But now, am I wrong if I feel bored with everything around? It feels really boring, and sometimes becomes so persecute. When I was on the sky, I stepped on one of the best cloud there. But now, I’m tired to be where I was before without any significant movements – or maybe I can’t hold on there anymore, everything began to be more and more difficult. The cloud where I’m hold on began to be fragile, and maybe it’s the time for me to leave and move to another-cloud-that-isn’t-as-good-as-it if I still wanna hold on above. But, do you know, being above is not always delightful forever?

1. when everyone keep seeing you
2. when you even may not have any little defect because it will be an attraction and shame for everyone
3. when you feel not free and under-control
4. when you sometimes feel are banned – which everybody supposed it as an ‘special treatment’
5. when you sometimes feel nobody to ask for some helps, because they all think that you are ‘the highest one’
6. when you feel nothing and nobody to hold on
7. when you have to smile to everyone although the sadness is persecuted
8. when you have to laugh to others although your eyelids are swamped by the tears
9. when you have to be someone that can be relied on although you actually are really fragile
10. when you have to be the ‘strength-donor’ although obviously you have to give all of your strength only to stand on you feet
11. when all that is actually easy then feels really hard
12. when everything that is actually weightless then becomes the heaviest burden on your shoulders
13. when everyone seems too far away, then you become ‘the lonely and sadly great one’

Then now, am I wrong if I’m tired enough and give up holding on above? I don’t just wanna move to other ‘cloud’, I wanna go down. But how – if when I have only a little defect, then I continuously was pressed and blamed? I wanna go down, just the ‘same’ with the others. Let them maybe laugh or say bad things about me, let them then think that my desire is related with other things which I don’t wanna now where they came from. I just wanna take a rest. Every human have their own limit, don’t they? No, I’m not giving limit for myself, I’ve just found it. Can you all just imagine how does it feel for being in my place with all of the burdens? Now, let me down, please. I now myself well, I don’t want jumping down. I’ll do it slowly, step by step, and then stop not far from the ‘sky’ – on the point where I feel safe and comfort then. Maybe I’ll find other ‘clouds’, which although maybe aren’t as strong as they are above, but I’ll step on. I wanna be together with you, and now I’m in my way for reaching there. It feels amazing, don’t you know?

1. the feeling of happiness
2. the feeling of being free from all the burdens
3. the feeling of ‘shameless’
4. the feeling where life is really becomes ‘life’

Although I still can’t deny that sometimes those ‘masks’ of smile, laugh, and strong still I have to wear on. Because actually the problems of my life aren’t just ‘it’, there are too many more. Now, I just want you to understand about my position and feeling. I’ve thought well for a long time about my decision to go down, I’ve to be ready with all of its consequences and risks that have already waited in front of me. I also owe much ‘thanks’ to you…

1. who always be my supporter
2. who always hold and back me up
3. who always can be the one I ask for helps for, or even maybe just be the place where I can depend on
4. who always ready with all of the amusement-words and meaningful advices

Thank you very much. I maybe also have to apologize if my decision finally will make them who expect more from be become disappointed. But, it’s the limit of my capacity, and I hope you all can understand. Trust me, I won’t be too far away, I just wanna search some estrangement and relief.

perubahan

Life is choices, hidup itu pilihan. Misalnya aja ada seseorang yg mau mendaki gunung. Pada awalnya dia boleh milih buat naik atau ngga ke gunung yang ada di hadapannya, dengan masing-masing konsekuensi dan resikonya. Saat dia mutusin buat naik pun, dia dihadapkan berbagai pilihan lagi. Misalnya aja saat itu dia udah sampe di pertengahan gunung. Ada beberapa kemungkinan yg bisa aja muncul dan mengganggu pikirannya, seperti…

1. Dia bisa mutusin buat nerusin mendaki dengan berbagai harapan yg dia punya. Mungkin aja harapan untuk melihat lebih banyak hal di atas sana, yg bisa jadi jauh lebih indah. Itupun dia masih dihadapkan pada pilihan lagi, yaitu apa dia sanggup atau ngga buat nerusin mendaki.

2. Dia bisa mutusin buat tetep diam, stak di tempat dia ada saat itu. Dia mungkin udah merasa puas dengan posisi dia sekarang, dan ga mau ambil resiko buat nerusin naik atau turun. Ya, bisa dibilang dia ‘cari aman’.

3. Dia juga bisa mutusin buat turun. Mungkin karena dia takut setelah melihat ketinggian tempat dia berada saat itu, dia merasa ga sanggup dgn posisi dia yg ada. Mungkin juga karena dia mau ‘kembali’ ke tempat dia semula yg bisa jadi menurut dia lebih aman.

Setelah dia berhasil milih salah satu diantaranya pun, lagi-lagi mungkin dia bakal ketemu banyak pilihan…

1. Seandainya dia ambil pilihan pertama, setelah sampe di atas dia punya pilihan buat tetep bertahan di posisi dia itu dengan berbagai cara, atau dia juga bisa turun perlahan setelah puas dan merasa ga sanggup lagi mempertahankan posisinya

2. Jika dia ambil pilihan kedua, selama di sana dia pun bakal tetep ketemu pilihan. Mungkin dia merasa penasaran dan akhirnya tertarik buat nerusin naik ke atas, dia bisa tetep tinggal dengan alasan yg sama sebelomnya, atau malah mungkin dia stop dan mutusin buat berhenti – turun

3. Misalnya tadi dia mutusin buat turun dgn pilihan ketiga, itu ga berarti dia ga akan dihadapkan sama pilihan-pilihan lain lagi. Bukan ga mungkin kalo sesampai di bawah dia akhirnya merasa menyesal dan akhirnya malah mutusin buat nyoba naik lagi.Tapi mungkin juga pilihan terakhir yg dia ambil adalah buat pergi dan menjauh dari gunung itu dgn berbagai alasan, satu diantaranya mungkin karena dia ga punya cukup keberanian buat menghadapi ‘sang gunung’

Cerita itu sama halnya dgn yg satu ini. Hmm. Gue. Beberapa waktu lalu, ntah atau mungkin masih sampe saat ini, gue berada di titik teratas pada suatu tempat. Misalnya aja titik itu kita sebut langit. Ya, gue sempet berada di suatu tempat yg disebut ‘langit’ itu. Cukup lama mungkin gue ada di sana, ntah apa yg membuat gue bisa ada di sana. Yg gue inget, semanget dan kerja keras adalah beberapa faktor pendukung di samping hal-hal lain yg terkesan cuma ‘fatamorgana’ sesaat. Begitu banyak hal baik dan menggembirakan saat gue ada di sana. Tapi sekarang, apa salah kalo gue merasa jenuh dgn semua yg ada? Rasanya bosen, dan kadang jadi menyiksa. Saat di langit itu, gue berpijak di salah satu awan terbaik yg ada di sana. Tapi sekarang, gue cape rasanya diam di tempat, mungkin boleh juga dibilang gue udah ga mampu bertahan, semua jadi terasa lebih sulit. Awan tempat gue berdiri mulai rapuh, dan mungkin udah saatnya gue pindah ke awan-lain-yg-ga-sebaik-dia kalo gue tetep mau bertahan di atas. Apa kalian semua tau, berada di atas itu ga selamanya menyenangkan?

1. saat di mana semua orang memperhatikan

2. saat kita seolah ga boleh ada cacad sedikitpun karena itu bakal jadi sorotan dan aib bagi semua orang

3. saat-saat di mana kalian merasa ga bebas dan terkekang

4. saat-saat di mana kadang kalian merasa dikucilkan – yg bagi orang lain mungkin dianggap sebagai ‘perlakuan istimewa’

5. saat di mana kalian kadang merasa ga ada yg bisa dimintain tolong, karena mereka semua menganggap kalian adalah ‘yg paling tinggi’

6. saat di mana kalian merasa ga ada lagi yg bisa dijadikan tempat berpegang

7. saat kalian harus tersenyum pada semua orang walau kesedihan menggerogoti

8. saat kalian harus tertawa pada yg lain walau rasanya air mata udah di pelupuk

9. saat kalian harus bisa menjadi seseorang yg bisa diandalkan walau sesungguhnya kalian amat rapuh

10. saat di mana kalian harus menjadi ‘si kuat’ walau sebenarnya untuk berdiri pun kalian harus mati-matian

11. saat semua yg pada kenyataannya mudah menjadi terasa begitu sulit

12. saat semua yg nyatanya ringan tapi lalu menjadi beban terberat di bahumu

13. saat seolah semua orang pergi meninggalkanmu, lalu kau jadi ‘si hebat yg menyedihkan dan sendirian’

Lalu, apa salah kalo sekarang gue merasa cape dan ga sanggup lagi bertahan di atas? Gue ga mau cuma pindah ‘awan’, gue mau turun. Tapi gimana caranya kalo saat cacad sedikit aja, lalu gue ditekan dan terus-terusan dipersalahkan? Gue mau turun, jadi ‘sama’ dengan yg lain. Biarlah orang-orang mungkin tertawa atau ngomong hal yg ngga-ngga ttg gue, biarlah kalo mereka mungkin kemudian berpikir bahwa keinginan gue ini berkaitan dgn hal-hal lain yg ntah dari mana asalnya. Gue cuma mau istirahat. Bukannya setiap orang emang punya bates? Ngga, gue ga lagi ngasih bates buat diri gue sendiri, gue cuma udah menemukan bates itu. Bisa kan kalian coba bayangin gimana rasanya berada di tempat gue selama ini dgn berbagai hal membebani yg udah gue bagi di atas tadi? Sekarang, biarlah gue turun. Gue pun tau diri, gue ga mau terjun bebas. Gue akan perlahan-lahan, setahap demi setahap dan berhenti ga jauh dari ‘langit’ itu di mana gue merasa aman dan nyaman. Mungkin di tempat itu nanti akan ada ‘awan-awan’ lain, yg walau mungkin ga sekuat yg di atas, tapi akan gue pijaki. Gue mau bareng-bareng kalian, dan saat ini gue sedang dalam perjalanan menuju ke sana. Rasanya menyenangkan, kalian tau?

1. perasaan bebas

2. perasaan lepas dari beban

3. perasaan ‘ga-tau-malu’

4. perasaan di mana hidup bener-bener jadi ‘hidup’

Walau tetep ga bisa gue ingkari bahwasanya terkadang ‘topeng-topeng’ tawa, senyum, dan kuat itu masih harus gue pake. Sebab ternyata masalah hidup ga cuma itu aja, begitu banyak yg lainnya. Sekarang, gue cuma minta kalian bisa ngerti posisi dan paham perasaaan gue. Gue udah berpikir banyak dan mempertimbangkan masak-masak ttg keputusan gue buat turun ini, gue pun mau ga mau harus ikut siap dgn berbagai konsekuensi dan resiko yg udah nunggu di depan mata. Gue juga berutang banyak ‘makasih’ buat mereka…

1. yg selalu jadi pendukung gue

2. yg selalu memegang dan menopang gue selama ini

3. yg selalu bisa gue mintain tolong atau cuma sekedar jadi tempat bersandar

4. yg selalu siap sedia dengan kata-kata hiburan dan nasehat penuh makna

Makasih banyak. Gue pun mungkin harus minta maaf kalo keputusan gue ini pada akhirnya akan ngecewain orang-orang yg berharap sama gue. Tapi, inilah batas kesanggupan gue, dan gue harap kalian mau coba mengerti. Percayalah, gue ga bakal jauh-jauh, cuma cari sedikit perenggangan dan kelegaan.