a story of mine

sometimes I wonder why people loves to be my friend, why many loves to be around me, why some loves to get closer to me, and why a few then loves me so much.

I'm just thinking that maybe I don't deserve that. Lol.

I might not seen easy for you to came closer, especially in the first time we meet.

most friends told me that I seemed like a nerd-calm yet cruel person when they first met me, a smart girl who wouldn't have any friend around. pity me, right?

but then they say how they regret it. not regretting the second thought, though. but regretting the first one: I'm not a calm person, not even get closer with it; they say many times. and how the definition of 'cruel' changes along the time they know me better: from "judes" to "si jahat", well let's say "blak-blakan".

then the more they know me the more they often call me "cruel", "crazy", "insane", "stupid", "funny", "labil", or "weirdo", yet "friendly", "warm-hearted", and "unpredictable".

but they also say that I'm just one-of-a-hundred reliable person. they tell me so much secrets of their life, ask me so many suggestions for their problems, and shares me so many tears. (you know I just hate them who cry in front of me, just because it's hard for me not to cry along with them all).

sometimes it's glad to know that people trusts me that much. but sometimes it makes me think, "do I have a face that looks like a trash-bin?" -- because sometimes someone has just met me and then he started to "curhat" and I don't know why, I wonder how he looked me so that it seemed so easy for him to tell me about his whole life. Lol.

and no, I'm totally not a kind of person that can make you fall in love at the first sight. it's true, really, at least I guess so.

wondering why?

Hm, I don't know. well, it isn't mean that I'm not so confident with my look. I'm just thinking that my look isn't that interesting to make men glanced twice at me. (even many friends said that I'm the bottle-body, well if you know what I mean. don't get it? get a bottle, observe carefully. how's its shape? yeah. my body somehow is bigger from hip to leg, not equal with the size from head to waist. for short, let's say not proportional. Lol.) (the funny part is, I wonder how some girls was jealous with me. gosh, they even have a better look -- well, at least for the "standard" that people has made)

well, back to topic. but it's true. many loves me after having a long conversation, some discussions, some times to spend together, and so on. some said they love how they find out that I'm attractive, unique "one-in-a-million", so kind, irreplaceable, and so on. (well, it's not kinda narcistic, just write down what they were saying). Hm, so personal. maybe that's what people says about loving-personality, loving characters, and so on. isn't it sweet? Lol :p

well, I may seem as a cheerful girl (or woman, maybe?) outside. but my close friends know that sometimes I can be so fragile, even too fragile.

I've learnt so hard not to express it outside, in front of people. I've learnt too often just to hear, smile, and give good advices, to wake up someone's spirit -- not to complain or share my own tears. I've learnt for a long time how to keep your problems inside instead of telling it to people. well sometimes it feels better, but sometimes it just hurts: sometimes it feels like you're going to mad of everyone around, screaming and crying as hard as you can, and to crash your head to the wall -- but yeah, you just can't.

well, don't mind. I'm okay. I'm strong enough, I guess. I'm still alive, isn't that enough to see that I'm just fine with that? so what's the matter? I, still, live well and breathe well too. :)

sometimes, just think "I dont give a fuck" and everything seems better then. Lol.

well, just a random thought of mine of this rainy season. just a little short story of mine. don't mind it.